Today I feel……
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
Scared, sad and depressed. I was able to make it to work. I have a cough that has been present for over a month. But I AM ALIVE!!! Today is one of those days that I wish I call a friend and grab a meal or do a bit of shopping. As I look around I am surrounded by people but yet I feel alone. I am not afraid to die but I am scared for those I love and the hurt they may feel. My husband Philip is my amazing supporter and a rock when I need him. I better get back to work. Check out this picture of me that Sarah edited of me. Look past the super pale face (my body is shutting down).
What would you do?
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
What would you do if you were told you its lucky if you live until Christmas? Cry, scream, throw things, try to disconnect from everyone so they are not affected (didn’t work) reconnect with others, tell people more freely that you love them? Well I have done all this and more. I found treatment procedure that can cure me and kill the tumors with a laser type machine. The problem is it will cost upwards of $10k. If you or anyone you know has any idea for me to raise the money, I would love to hear it. This seems like a last ditch effort and I need to do it. I am open to ideas for fund-raising… to help me get my life back. Thanks everyone for all the support! Please email, call or text me. Please I am putting it all out there in hopes that someone has a magic idea! 801-921-0166
Cyber knife Procedure
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
I found treatment procedure that can cure me and kill the tumors with a laser type machine. The problem is it will cost upwards of $10k. If you or anyone you know has any idea for me to raise the money, I would love to hear it. This seems like a last ditch effort and I need to do it. I am open to ideas for fund-raising… to help me get my life back. Thanks everyone for all the support! Please email, call or text me. 801-921-0166
Update
05 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
Ok. Life is so precious. As I reflect on my life I am nagged by remorse
for things I have done, or not done, what a waste of time!People ask me
how I keep my mind so clear and stay as positive as I do. To that I
answer, what other choice do I have? I am thankful for everyday that I
wake up, for a job that is so flexible with me, Vanessa and Jared for
housing us when we had little choice, for my family both blood and
Phil’s family. I love that I can call anyone of them at any given time
and laugh or cry or yell and scream. I am surrounded by amazing people,
and I am reaching out to my many long lost friends! I am blessed to have
faith and not fear in the face of cancer. I have been given so much
support and love that I find it overwhelmingly wonderful. Please take time and count your blessings.love-Derin
It is what it is and it’s kinda ridiculous
07 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
Some years ago I came across a poem whose message caught my attention. It so intrigued me that I decided I would memorize it. It only took a few months of neglect however for the passages to fade, but the last stanza has always stayed fixed in my mind. It reads:
“All those who journey soon or late,
Must pass within the garden’s gate;
Must kneel alone in the darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say,
“Not mine but thine” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane”
Just a few short months later, this passage would take on a deeper, more personal meaning. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. The cancer had progressed to stage four, that being the most severe stage for ovarian cancer. Having spread into my abdomen, the cancer had quickly invaded every space available; constricting the proper function of organs, and wrapping itself around nerves and major arteries alike. The far-reaching fingers of the disease had also found its way into my chest cavity, there attaching itself to my lungs. Even a small amount had deposited itself in my shoulder near my collar-bone.
Over the next 6-8 months I would spend close to two months in the hospital, being operated on 5 times, and experience two grueling months of Chemotherapy. It is not an experience that I would ever want to relive.
However I am doing this again. I have completed an intensive radiation regime, and had 2 “chemo booster” shots. I am really struggling with it this time. They have found cancer cells in my blood as well as the ovarian cancer. Last time I had no family support because my parents and sister and I were not speaking and I was in the middle of a divorce. This time I am married to an awesome guy and am on speaking terms with both my parents and sister. I also have my husband’s family, yet I still have nobody to talk to. My husband gets too worried and his family just has other things going on and my family is too into their own issues that they don’t have time for me. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I just wish I had a friend to call just to listen to me. Sometimes I just need to hear someone tell me that I matter and that I am not alone, someone to go to lunch with or a movie or to just give me a hug. My husband is great but he just worries too much.
So I guess this is me just whining so I apologize, but sometimes it feels better just to write about my feelings. I am trying to stay positive about this. I see the Dr on Wed to see if my cancer is shrinking or spreading. I am scared, and my future is on the line. I am going to try to be more open about it all so please call, text or email me. Thanks for all the love and support!-Derin
Thank You
06 Jan 2010 Leave a Comment
There have been a few of you who have sent me things and for that I am forever thankful. All the books, and cards, and gift cards and everything else have helped us so much. It is now January and we are out of insurance. So say lots of prayers that during this month that we have no coverage, and I can’t do treatment, that my cancer will not spread!!! PS Our lovely government funded medicaid which is supposed to help people in my situation, has so graciously declined covering me!!!! WHAT THE CRAP!!!!! RIGHT? Anyway thanks for all the help that has been coming, and is still coming in all different forms, emails and everything. This is the best support group on the planet.!!!! Love you guys!!!!
Cancer Support
06 Jan 2010 1 Comment
So I have created this blog so that our family blog is not only about me. I will use this blog to keep everyone as updated as possible.
As of now any and all treatment is at a stand still until I can find funding. I did find a clinic in Colorado Springs that will give me the needed treatment at a lower cost, so that is defiantly a big option. I am trying to lock down funding for a flight there and back and also a place for me to stay. There are a few treatment options and the main one I am looking at in an intensive chemo session lasting about 3 weeks. I will try to keep this updated as much as possible. Thanks again for supporting me in this major trial in my life. Love-Derin
