A little History
Some years ago I came across a poem whose message caught my attention. It so intrigued me that I decided I would memorize it. It only took a few months of neglect however for the passages to fade, but the last stanza has always stayed fixed in my mind. It reads:
“All those who journey soon or late,
Must pass within the garden’s gate;
Must kneel alone in the darkness there,
And battle with some fierce despair.
God pity those who cannot say,
“Not mine but thine” who only pray,
“Let this cup pass” and cannot see
The purpose in Gethsemane”
Just a few short months later, this passage would take on a deeper, more personal meaning. In 2005 I was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer. The cancer had progressed to stage four, that being the most severe stage for ovarian cancer. Having spread into my abdomen, the cancer had quickly invaded every space available; constricting the proper function of organs, and wrapping itself around nerves and major arteries alike. The far-reaching fingers of the disease had also found its way into my chest cavity, there attaching itself to my lungs. Even a small amount had deposited itself in my shoulder near my collar-bone.
Over the next 6-8 months I would spend close to two months in the hospital, being operated on 5 times, and experience two grueling months of Chemotherapy. It is not an experience that I would ever want to relive.
However I am doing this again. I have completed an intensive radiation regime, and had 2 “chemo booster” shots. I am really struggling with it this time. They have found cancer cells in my blood as well as the ovarian cancer. Last time I had no family support because my parents and sister and I were not speaking and I was in the middle of a divorce. This time I am married to an awesome guy and am on speaking terms with both my parents and sister. I also have my husband’s family, yet I still have nobody to talk to. My husband gets too worried and his family just has other things going on and my family is too into their own issues that they don’t have time for me. I feel so lonely. Sometimes I just wish I had a friend to call just to listen to me. Sometimes I just need to hear someone tell me that I matter and that I am not alone, someone to go to lunch with or a movie or to just give me a hug. Thanks for all the love and support!-Derin
